Monday, November 14, 2005

I feel like giving up...

...ever get so busy, have so much demanded of you, that you just don't care anymore whether you finish anything? Today I feel like that -- I just don't care anymore. I had a paper due last week Thursday and I didn't finish it on time and for some reason it doesn't bother me as much as I think it should. My prof's policy is no late papers and all papers are due at the beginning of class -- mine didn't meet that criteria, not by a longshot. I have no legitimate excuse for not finishing my paper -- I had other things (good of and in themselves, but probably could've/should've waited 'til my other responsibilities were fulfilled) that "required" my time and I aptly complied. Always, however, with the mantra in my mind that I've still got time.

Well, reality check -- I don't.

The trouble is, this isn't the first time it's happened and as much as I endeavor to make it, it probably won't be the last. I'm tired...tired of school and homework and papers and lectures and long hours and trips and demanding schedules (ok, schedules in general) and grades and, if I get really honest with myself, expectations. I read a book my first semester of seminary about the performance-driven life -- I guess I didn't really take it to heart. Sometimes what I do seems so much to be driven by what people will think of me if I do or don't. How very wrong is that! Yes, the opinion of others matters to a degree, but how much more does the opinion of my Heavenly Father count? Or, should count... I am not a student unto myself -- I am a student unto the Lord, and not a very good one at that. I am not a Christian unto myself -- I am a Christian unto the Lord, and unfortunately probably not a very good one of those either.

No, it's not "Belittle & Berate V Day" (don't worry, you didn't miss the memo...) -- just taking a moment to air the dirty laundry and 'fess up that things aren't always as 'good' as they might seem. I suppose everyone has their "rough day" now and then (mine feels like it's been building for months!) but how do you stop the insaneness and get back on track? Any thoughts? Maybe I need to empty my backpack a bit or better yet, give the compass back to God...

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